UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Bicurious? How about Bill Kurtious (ph)?

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, recently voted most likely to be the next person to start talking, Peter Sagal.

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Thank you, Bill, and thanks again to the fake audience. Later on, we are going to observe a milestone - the very coolest person ever to appear on our show - well, other than Bill and Weird Al Yankovic - rock 'n' roll icon Patti Smith. We've got no time to waste because she might reconsider before her slot. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

WHITNEY HOLMES: Hello. This is Whitney Holmes calling from Idaho Falls, Idaho.

SAGAL: Oh, really? - Idaho Falls, Idaho. That's where Idaho falls, I assume. What do you do there?

HOLMES: I am the co-owner of a brand-new independent bookstore downtown called Winnie & Mo's Bookshop.

SAGAL: Wow. That is - that takes, as they say in Idaho, chutzpah.

SAGAL: How do you - are you from Idaho? Did you just go there? Is that when I'm understanding?

HOLMES: I moved here about 3 1/2 years ago. Yeah. And I - when I came here, there was no independent bookstore, so here we are.

SAGAL: And now there is.

SAGAL: Well, good luck to you. And welcome to the show, Whitney. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, her brand-new book is "Tell Everyone On This Train I Love Them." It's Maeve Higgins.

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SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian you can see in Burlington, Vt., from March 10 to the 12 at Vermont Comedy Club and in Milwaukee, Wis., from March 24 to the 26 at the Laughing Tap. It's Hari Kondabolu.

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SAGAL: And a comedian you can see at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, February 17 through the 19 - it's Bobcat Goldthwait.

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BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Hi. Good luck with that bookstore.

HOLMES: Yeah. Thank you, Bobcat.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Whitney. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize, any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: The fake story that I flushed documents down a White House toilet is categorically untrue.

SAGAL: That was someone who absolutely did flush documents...

SAGAL: ...Down a White House toilet. Who was it?

HOLMES: President - former President Trump?

SAGAL: Former President Trump, indeed.

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SAGAL: First, we learned that President Trump routinely tore up official documents. That's not allowed. Then we heard he illegally took boxes of them back with him to Mar-a-Lago. And now this week, Maggie Haberman reports that many times while he was in office, he complained to the White House staff that the toilets were clogged, and the plumbers found big wads of paper flushed down there.

SAGAL: And look; before you mock him for trying to get rid of presidential documents down the toilet, it's a smart strategy. He is disposing of evidence in the one place he is sure that no one will go for at least 20 minutes after he leaves it.

HIGGINS: But isn't the whole thing like you light a match?

HIGGINS: So, like, why didn't he just light a match and burn the paper?

SAGAL: That's actually - he should have thought of that.

KONDABOLU: The only thing I'm surprised by is that he didn't flush down the Constitution. Am I right, everybody?

HIGGINS: It's - you know, you see in restaurants, you know, don't...

HIGGINS: ...Flush anything down the - and I would always think, what do they think we're going to do, like, our jewelry, like our drugs? No. We need that stuff. But now I understand.

KONDABOLU: I mean, he's not a big rules guy. I mean, that seems kind of clear.

SAGAL: No, no - goes his own way.

KONDABOLU: He probably carries tampons for the purpose of flushing them down the toilet.

GOLDTHWAIT: It's spite tampons. Yeah.

SAGAL: Do you remember - everybody's been talking about this. Remember how Trump was super-obsessed with, like, inefficient, low-flow toilets, like, during his entire time in office?

SAGAL: He talked about it all the time.

SAGAL: Oh, he'd say, it takes too many flushes, 10, 15 flushes to get it down. This must be why.

SAGAL: He's like, these toilets are so weak you can't even flush the evidence you had Jeffrey Epstein killed.

GOLDTHWAIT: He had that gold-plated toilet like a Bond villain.

GOLDTHWAIT: Do you think it had a garbage disposal in the bottom of it?

GOLDTHWAIT: Like a shredding machine?

SAGAL: It's possible. All right. Here is your next quote, Whitney.

KURTIS: It's the KFC-Taco Bell of the sky.

SAGAL: That was a man named Blake Hammond on Twitter, of course, commenting on the news that Frontier and Spirit Airlines, those two low-budget airlines, are going to do what?

HOLMES: Merge. They're going to merge.

SAGAL: They're going to merge.

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SAGAL: Spirit and Frontier Airlines have, in fact, announced plans for a merger. The deal would create America's fifth-largest and first-worst airline. With their combined resources, the company...

SAGAL: ...Will be able to cancel over 1,000 flights a day.

KONDABOLU: This is totally a great idea - wonderful idea.

SAGAL: Totally a great idea.

KONDABOLU: The Titanic and Hindenburg people getting together - this is...

SAGAL: It sinks and burns. Now, there's one upside to this merger. At least you'll never have to fly Spirit or Frontier Airlines ever again. We don't know what the new one is going to be called. Maybe Spirit-ier, Front-it (ph).

GOLDTHWAIT: This is like two people meeting in the hallway of divorce court. Like...

SAGAL: Well, you're single now, I guess. Well, it is true that the story behind the merger is really fascinating. Years ago, both airlines agreed that if neither of them had married by the time they were 40, they would just do it. Without the need to compete with each other, the airlines can devote their resources to perfecting no-frills travel - for example, first up, making every seat a middle seat.

KONDABOLU: I never liked the name Frontier for an airline because you're supposed to know where you're going. Like, the idea that there's a - no. I - you've been there, right? You've been to San Francisco. You know how to get there. This is not new for you.

GOLDTHWAIT: The frontier - remember the airports of the Old West.

SAGAL: Oh, yes, with their rough, wooden, you know, jetways.

SAGAL: All right. Here, Whitney, is your last quote.

KURTIS: Who said stuffed animals were just for the kids? Why should they get to have all the fun?

SAGAL: That's a company trying to convince grown-ups to buy a new version of their popular stuffed animals - Valentine-ready, adults-only version of what?

HOLMES: I don't know. The only thing coming to mind is the teddy bear workshop doll thing.

SAGAL: It's Build-A-Bear workshop. You got it, Whitney.

SAGAL: Build-A-Bear - that's the ubiquitous mall chain that allows children to design their own teddy bear and then watch as its eerie, empty skin is stuffed to give it a simulation of life - they've released their line of, quote, "after-dark bears" just in time for Valentine's Day. You can find them in the back of the Build-A-Bear workshop behind a beaded curtain. Interestingly, After-Dark Bears - also one of the best gay bars in Chicago.

SAGAL: The collection includes a bear in a devil costume, a lion holding a bottle of champagne and a rabbit with huge boobs.

HIGGINS: Oh. When you said, like, adult bears, I thought you meant, I don't know, bears with a stable career or something to do with their mental health.

HIGGINS: This is very different.

SAGAL: When you pull the string on their back, they just complain about their student loans. That's what we mean by adult bears.

HIGGINS: (Laughter) That's so hot to me.

SAGAL: Now, this is a special Valentine's Day event, but actually, Build-A-Bear has offered stuffed animals specifically for adults for years, according to your unmarried uncle when you opened the door to his guest room suddenly.

GOLDTHWAIT: Why do we have to make everything creepy? I'm still...

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm really sad about this rabbit.

HIGGINS: That's not cool. But, I mean, think about already teddy bears - they are - represent, like, actual bears...

HIGGINS: ...Are terrifying and gigantic. So it's already creepy that we were like, here you go, baby. Here's a little furry bear.

SAGAL: Yeah. Seriously. The only thing worse than this being thought up by some marketing people at Build-A-Bear is the idea that it's a response to customer demand. Like, I can't explain it, Phil. We keep getting people asking if the bears can be sexier.

Bill, how did Whitney do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Whitney bared it all and got three straight. She's a winner.

SAGAL: All right. That was a bear pun. OK, I get you now.

KURTIS: Oh. Oh. Oh. OK.

SAGAL: Done like an independent bookseller. Well done, Whitney.

HOLMES: Thank you very much.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "STUFFED ANIMAL")

ANNETTE FUNICELLO: (Singing) I'm stuffed, and I'm always more than a toy. Soft and cuddly, and not like a boy. When you're wondering if he loves you so, a stuffed animal never says no.

SAGAL: Right now, panel, it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Maeve, according to The Wall Street Journal, the real estate market is still incredibly hot, with prices so high that some realtors have finally stopped doing what?

HIGGINS: Baking in the home.

SAGAL: No, no, although that - I don't know any realtor that actually does that, but it's a neat...

SAGAL: It is an old story.

HIGGINS: They've stopped doing - like, showing it to poor people.

HIGGINS: Showing houses (laughter) to poor people.

SAGAL: That's right. They've started discriminating. No. I'll give you a hint. You know, they say things now - they no longer say, oh, it needs a lot of TLC. They say, like, it needs eight sticks of TNT.

HIGGINS: Oh, they've stopped, like, fibbing on the...

SAGAL: Exactly. They have stopped lying.

SAGAL: Anybody who has shopped for a new house knows that real estate agents lie all the time. Like, the water view, for example, means you can see the burst sewer pipe from the bathroom. But now...

SAGAL: ...With demand so high, they're not even bothering to lie. Like, that's not a fixer-upper. That's a haunted dungeon.

HIGGINS: So they're like, here, do you want this filthy little hovel because you're so pathetic? And...

SAGAL: I don't know if they start insulting you...

SAGAL: But they've become very straightforward about what they're selling. I'll give you an example. One realtor in Texas described the landscape around his property as kind of boring, not much to look at.

SAGAL: There's no more euphemisms.

SAGAL: Rustic charm - it means it's a superfund toxic waste site. Or that historic farmhouse? It means someone was murdered there.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yes (laughter). The Gein family...

GOLDTHWAIT: ...Really took care of this farm.

HIGGINS: Was that a serial killer?

KONDABOLU: Wait, I - yeah.

HIGGINS: I knew it. I didn't even know that name.

HIGGINS: But I knew just from - 'cause my...

HIGGINS: ...Comedy brain is so clever.

HIGGINS: Sounds a little like dating after the pandemic as well. People are like...

HIGGINS: People are like, boy, I'm a mess. Jeez, but I am available.

HIGGINS: But woof, what a wreck.

SAGAL: Nobody has any time to put - gild any lilies, you know what I mean? One realtor in Greeley, Colo., likes to tell potential buyers that the area, quote, "smells like a farmhouse," while a realtor in Florida brags about the proximity to nature and the wide variety of COVID variants.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "THIS OLD HOUSE")

BRIAN SETZER: (Singing) Oh, this old house once knew its children. This old house once knew it's wife. This old house was home and comfort as...

SAGAL: Coming up, we emote about being remote in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Maeve Higgins, Bobcat Goldthwait and Hari Kondabolu. And here again is your host, a man I just made at Build-A-Peter. It's Peter Sagal.

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SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Right now, it is time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air.

Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

AUDREY TUNIS: Hi, this is Audrey. I'm calling from Chicago, Ill.

SAGAL: Whoa. Hey there. How are you?

TUNIS: Good. How are you?

SAGAL: What do you do here?

TUNIS: I am a lead makeup artist and small business owner of Chicago Makeup & Hair Professionals. We do on-site weddings and special events and things like that. We do makeup and hair.

SAGAL: Is your business influenced, if you will, by influencers? Do people say, oh, I saw this amazing person on Instagram and I want to look just like her? Does that ever come up?

TUNIS: Well, not exactly. I mean, they do show us a lot of pictures. Usually, it's like, I want cheekbones like that.

SAGAL: I want a monobrow like this woman named Frida.

TUNIS: Oh, big brows are in right now.

TUNIS: So let me tell you.

SAGAL: Like, big, hairy eyebrows are in now?

SAGAL: This is my time.

TUNIS: There you go (laughter).

SAGAL: Audrey, welcome to the show. You're going to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Audrey's topic?

KURTIS: Working from home is where the heart is.

SAGAL: Working from home is tough, I assume? I just watch TV all day and then read whatever they send me to read when it shows up. But this week, we heard about someone for whom remote work has actually turned out unexpectedly great. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win the WAIT WAITer of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

TUNIS: Yeah, I sure am.

SAGAL: First, let's hear from Hari Kondabolu.

KONDABOLU: Stockbroker Ian Sterling (ph), like many, discovered that working from home gave him a lot of spare time. So he decided to do something that he hadn't done in years - make his grandma's pumpkin loaf. Quote, "I've always loved baking, but I stopped when I was 12 because my father said it was too feminine. My dad was a male flight attendant, so I think his own insecurity led to how he raised me." The popularity of his pumpkin loaf and his toxic masculinity led him to open Man Buns, a bakery for the alpha male.

KONDABOLU: There are cute things, like the bear market claw, with a price that varies based on the swings of the actual stock market. However, there are darker elements of this business. Ian has spread rumors about salmonella outbreaks at rival bakeries to drive their prices down. Despite such tactics, he has the biggest donut shop in town. Why? He's bought the land that many of his competitors rent on and forced them out before turning them into one of his own bakeries. Needless to say, Ian's bakery isn't your mom and pop's bakery. I mean, it was, and then he bought it.

SAGAL: Man Buns, a new bakery opened by a Wall Street guy during his downtime while working at home. Your next story of a bright side of working from home comes from Maeve Higgins.

HIGGINS: It's nice to stay home, isn't it? Home is where we keep all our bits and pieces, like our kids and bits of cheese left over from sandwiches in our tumble dryer. Today, many of us just stay home all day near the kids and the cheese and the tumble dryer, and we pretend to do our work. It's wonderful. And guess what? It can even save lives. Last week, a woman named Pam Harght was on a Zoom call with her boss. Both of them were pretending to have a meeting about their work for a company that processes payments. But obviously they were just looking out their windows.

Suddenly, Pam spotted a commercial fishing boat that looked like it was in trouble in huge waves, and there was smoke emerging from it. Then it started sinking. Pam immediately excused herself from the fake meeting and called 9-1-1. Her boss was glad of the break because she thought she saw Ben Affleck struggling outside their local Dunkin' Donuts. Meanwhile, a sea of authorities rescued three fishermen from the water in Massachusetts, and everyone agreed it's better to look at the water than to look at your laptop. Ben Affleck sadly drowned in a venti iced latte.

SAGAL: A woman at a work-from-home Zoom meeting looks out the window, sees a boat sinking and saves three lives. Your last story of someone out of the office comes from Bobcat Goldthwait.

GOLDTHWAIT: Jason Stewart (ph), CEO of a startup tech company that specializes in liability insurance, was in for quite a shock when he returned to the company's abandoned loft headquarters. Since the entire staff has been working remotely from home, his once prestigious office is now - was overrun with 250,000 chipmunks. It turns out that the vermin had broken in and began gorging themselves on the high-tech company's computers' electrical wiring. The place is destroyed, claimed Stewart. We were prepared for cyberattacks and virus, but not a chipmunk attack. Things went from bad to worse when Stewart learned that his insurance company was covered for mouse and rat infestation, but not chipmunk. You would have thought a guy in my line of work would have read the small print.

But there is a silver lining. These were no ordinary chipmunks. These were the nearly extinct Palmer's chipmunk. The company's empty headquarters single-handedly removed the Palmer chipmunk from the endangered species list. Whoop-de-doo, said a less-than-impressed Stewart. My company went under, and now I'm king of the chipmunks.

SAGAL: All right. Here are your choices. Something good, more or less, happened because somebody was working from home. Was it, from Hari, how a Wall Street guy was inspired to use his spare time to start baking again and founded his own toxic masculine bakery, Man Buns; from Maeve, a woman who was ignoring her Zoom meeting at home, looked out her window, saw a boat sinking and ended up saving their lives; or from Bobcat, how an abandoned office ended up saving a species of endangered chipmunk because it provided them a place to thrive? Which of these is the real story of an upside of working from home we found in the news?

TUNIS: I'm going to go with No. 3, the chipmunks.

SAGAL: Well, then, that's your choice. You chose Bobcat's story. Well, we actually spoke to the person who was working from home and reaped this benefit.

PAM HARGHT: I was casually looking out the window while on this very important work call, and I happened to notice that there was a fishing vessel in distress.

SAGAL: That was a woman named Pam Harght, who was, in fact, the woman that Maeve was talking about who was sitting in a Zoom meeting by the ocean in Massachusetts, looked out, saw a fishing boat explode and ended up saving their lives. So we're afraid you didn't win our prize. You earned a point for Bobcat.

GOLDTHWAIT: I'll do your voice message if you want. I feel bad.

SAGAL: Well, thank you so much for playing.

DOLLY PARTON: (Singing) Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition and yawn and stretch and try to come to life.

SAGAL: And now the game where cool people agree to hang out with us nerds for a little while. Patti Smith isn't just, you know, a part of American cultural history. She embodies it. She lived with Robert Mapplethorpe in 1970s New York. She hung out with everyone from William Burroughs to Bruce Springsteen. And she practically created punk rock with her 1975 debut album "Horses." These days, she's writing and performing her poetry on Substack, and we are delighted to talk to her. Patti Smith, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

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PATTI SMITH: Thank you, but please don't say I practically invented anything. I mean, really, it's just I really didn't. It's - but I don't want anybody stopping me on the street and say, you know - because actually, Mozart was the real true inventor of punk rock, and we...

SAGAL: Mozart? As in Wolfgang Amadeus?

SMITH: Yeah. I mean, who was more punk rock than Mozart? I mean, he would go to court with these little lace - you know, lace shirts with ink stains all over them and - because he was always writing and getting ink stains on his shirts and told to go through the kitchen door. So - I don't know what that has to do with punk rock, but, you know...

SAGAL: Sounds cool, though. I want to check in with you first. You - in your life, you've gotten out a lot. Of course, during the pandemic, we couldn't. What have you been up to? Primarily the Substack thing, right?

SMITH: Well, I mean, I write all the time, so the - I - this Substack has been really nice for me because it keeps me in contact with people. And it's episodic.

SMITH: Yeah, I really like it. I like the slight pressure of it, and I like imagining all of these people that can't wait to get these episodes. And then I see only 23 have read it. So...

SAGAL: That's the problem. It's the feedback. So like a lot of people, I devoured your memoir "Just Kids" of you arriving in New York City in your years with Mapplethorpe and getting started as an artist. And there are so many things I want to ask you about. Many people on our staff were concerned, though, about your diet. Are you still eating lettuce sandwiches?

SMITH: (Laughter). Actually, there's nothing wrong with lettuce sandwiches. No, we really had no money back then. And, you know, it's not like now where people - they buy cappuccinos with a credit card. You know, it's unbelievable. And, I mean, back then, it was all cash. If you didn't have money, you just didn't eat. So - or else you had to go to, like, bars at happy hour and sort of walk in and act like you knew what you were doing and then take the free chicken wings. I mean, that's how we had to eat.

SAGAL: I - there's a lot - there's another thing that you mentioned in passing, which I love, and I wanted to ask you about it in more detail. You describe your sort of progress from being a writer, visual artist to becoming what you were, a rock 'n' roll star. And one of the stops along the way was you opened for the New York Dolls, reading poetry at their shows.

SMITH: No, I actually opened for Eight Ball. I was, like, the opener of the opening act.

SAGAL: And you say that, like, one of the things you got good at was, like, really dealing with hecklers.

SMITH: Oh, I mean, that was, like, 50 years ago. But, you know, it's always what I do. It's like now - if I'm reading poetry or talking like that at my concerts and people, like, say - I still get it. Like, guys going, rock and roll. And that's, you know...

SAGAL: Really? You're still getting heckled 50 years on?

SMITH: Oh, yeah. I get - I still get heckled. But believe me - nobody survives.

SMITH: I didn't see one surviving heckler.

KONDABOLU: Patti, can I ask you a completely irrelevant question that I've always wondered?

SMITH: They've all been irrelevant. What are you talking...

SMITH: That's sort of our specialty here, but go ahead.

GOLDTHWAIT: In the '80s, were you ever confused for Patti Smyth, and did people ever go up to you and ask you if you were married to John McEnroe? Did that ever happen?

SMITH: A couple of times. But a really funny thing happened - I mean, it might sound not - it's not funny, but it is. I was at some photography exhibit, and this was, like, in the mid - like, after my husband passed away. It's probably, like, late '90s. And this woman comes up to me in this - I was in an agitated mood, and this woman comes up to me in this gallery and goes, how's your husband? And I said, my husband is dead. And she went, your husband's dead? And I said, yes. And she went, oh, my God. She screamed, oh, my God. John McEnroe is dead.

SMITH: That's a true story. I mean - she screamed it. Like, everyone like, stopped. Time stopped in the gallery for...

KONDABOLU: That is the best story.

SAGAL: That's both the worst and the best story I have ever heard.

SMITH: I know. That's what I'm saying. But, you know, my husband wouldn't mind. He'd think it was funny. So...

SAGAL: Well, we feel we're lucky because we have the real Patti Smith, and we have asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling...

KURTIS: Patti Smith, try a cheeseburger from our patty smiths.

SAGAL: So you're a poet and rock 'n' roll icon, Patti Smith. But what do you know about the craftspeople making hamburgers who are also called patty smiths, or so I am told? We're going to ask you three questions about burger artisans. Answer 2 out of 3 correctly - you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Patti Smith playing for?

KURTIS: Aaron Hardy (ph) of Los Angeles, Calif.

SMITH: Oh, poor Aaron. I'm sorry already. I'm just telling Aaron already, I'm already sorry.

SAGAL: I think if, in fact, you lose, it would be an honor to have you lose for him, if you follow. First question - after several buildings near a Carl's Jr. in California caught fire, the employees decided to thank all the first responders by making them all free hamburgers. They had to stop, though, when what happened? A - the grease from all the burgers caused that Carl's Jr. to also catch fire. B - a fire station's Dalmatian ran off with all the meat. Or C - they realized the fires were being put out by the nation's first all-vegan firefighting crew.

SMITH: You know, it's Bertolt Brecht's birthday today...

SMITH: And I know that answer - if you would have asked whose birthday it was. I would pick number one.

SAGAL: OK. You're going to choose number one. And you would be correct.

SAGAL: You would be correct. That's what happened. Good news - like, we're making you free food. Bad news - it's in that burning building over there.

SMITH: I can't wait for question number two.

SAGAL: Here's your next question. To celebrate the popularity of the children's cartoon, a restaurant in the Netherlands created the "My Little Pony" burger. What's on it? A, two burger patties covered in rainbow-colored glitter - B, quote, "friendship, ketchup and magic sauce" - or C, horsemeat.

SAGAL: Friendship sauce. Friendship - do you know "My Little Pony" by any chance?

SMITH: Yeah, I know that should be No. 1, but the idea of putting glitter on a hamburger is so disgusting that I couldn't choose that.

SAGAL: So you're going to go with friendship, ketchup and magic sauce?

SAGAL: No. It's actually - they were burgers made of horsemeat. That's why they're called "My Little Pony" burgers.

SMITH: Oh, I've eaten horsemeat in France.

SAGAL: Sure, so it makes sense.

SMITH: It has a funny aftertaste.

SAGAL: It does. I had it in Iceland, and when I expressed shock that I was eating horses like the ones outside, they said, oh, no, we just eat the ugly ones. Cold place, Iceland. All right. Third question. If you get this, you win it all. Here's your last question. Jeanne and Betty Hoots have owned a burger shop in Mattoon, Ill., since 1959. What is it called? A, the Mattoon Hoots Gluten Flume - B, the Three Michelin Star Burger Shop, a name they had just changed from the Two Michelin Star Burger Shop - or C, Burger King.

SMITH: This is so hard. Two.

SAGAL: So you're going to go - they named their burger shop the Three Michelin Star Burger Shop, after having named it the Two Michelin Star Burger Shop.

SAGAL: They gave themselves - All right. Do you think that the Michelin company might have had something to say about that?

SMITH: I know you're trying to help me get the right answer. I'm not competitive. I love being wrong.

SMITH: No, I'm just joking. I mean, truthfully, I don't understand any of the answers. So let's try No. 1 because OK.

SAGAL: You're going to for the Mattoon Hoots Gluten Flume?

SMITH: Actually, no, because how are you going to put that on a sign?

SMITH: All right, Burger King.

SAGAL: Yes, it's Burger King.

SAGAL: You've tried all three of them, but the answer is - you chose the right one at the end. The answer is Burger King. They trademarked the name Burger King two years before the big Burger King chain came into existence.

SAGAL: And so they got a special dispensation. There is no, like, franchise Burger King within 20 miles of Mattoon, Ill. There was only the original Burger King, the Mattoon Hoots Burger King. Bill, how did Patti Smith do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Patty got two out of three right. And, Patti, that means you won our prize. Congratulations.

SAGAL: There you go. Patti Smith is a rock 'n' roll icon and poet whose new project, The Melting, is available at substack.com. Patti Smith, thank you so much for gracing us with your presence on WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME. We are so pleased to have.

SMITH: Thank you. Bye-bye. And remember, I did not invent punk rock.

SMITH: The only thing I invented was the lettuce sandwich.

SAGAL: Right. Patti Smith did not invent punk rock, did invent lettuce sandwich. Got it. We're good. Thank you so much, Patti. Bye-bye.

SMITH: Now what do I do now?

SAGAL: Now what you do is if you can in your screen it's like a leave or whatever little button.

SAGAL: Go back to your life.

SMITH: So hard to say goodbye.

SMITH: You know, like, as Shirley Temple would sing, good night, my friends, sleep tight, my friends, good night, nighty-nighty. Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER")

SMITH: (Singing) I was dreaming in my dreaming of an aspect bright and fair. And my sleeping, it was broken. But my dream...

SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill makes the monkeys in the zoo swoon during a romantic Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Bobcat Goldthwait, Hari Kondabolu and Maeve Higgins. And here again is your host. He may be small - Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill stars in an adorable rhyme-com (ph) in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Right now, panel some more questions for you from the week's news. Bobcat, this week, students in California left class in protest after administrators removed what from their school?

SAGAL: Officials at Vacaville Elementary and Middle School in California agreed last week that, thanks to its high sugar content, chocolate milk would be removed from the school cafeteria and replaced with something healthier. Look; our kids go to school to catch COVID, not diabetes.

SAGAL: The students, angry that the school was being lactose intolerant, organized a protest - stomping out of class, carrying handmade signs with slogans like we want our chocolate milk and you should see the crap we eat at home.

SAGAL: The school caved. It's now - they're now allowing chocolate milk every other Friday.

HIGGINS: Wait, so they used to get it every day? Is that what happens in school?

SAGAL: Apparently, yes. They used to have an option of having chocolate milk every day at lunch.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, you can't just cut them off.

GOLDTHWAIT: I need some of the good stuff.

HIGGINS: Yeah. And I - also, I feel like in other - like in France, don't they always have like a bowl of hot chocolate in the morning? Like, it's not just...

SAGAL: Exactly. And that's how it's pronounced - hot chocolate.

HIGGINS: Hot chocolate - and so it's very sophisticated.

GOLDTHWAIT: A bowl? Do they give them utensils, or are they, like, on the floor with a bowl?

HIGGINS: Yeah, they lap. They lap a bowl (laughter).

SAGAL: I'm also thinking like, what would the methadone be for chocolate milk addiction? Probably Ovaltine.

KONDABOLU: Yeah, that sounds about right.

HIGGINS: I think strawberry milk, just because it's still sugar, but it's fruit.

KONDABOLU: Man, let the kids have the chocolate milk. Like, how many things during the day make you feel good when you're that small? It's like, oh, it's pizza day. I'm getting chocolate milk. It's the book fair. There's only a handful of things - recess. You're taking one of the key things away.

HIGGINS: Those are still all the things that I look forward to in a day.

SAGAL: It does never change.

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm 59. You tell me I'm getting pizza and chocolate milk - that's a pretty good day. That's a great day.

HIGGINS: There's a book fair? Your glasses spring off your face.

KONDABOLU: I feel bad I said book fair. It's like, oh, yeah, I'm a nerd. That's right.

KONDABOLU: It's book fair day, guys.

HIGGINS: Other kids are - like, they enjoy sports day.

SAGAL: Hari, a woman named Catherine Graham - she's from Boston, Mass. - this last week, she fulfilled a lifelong dream. She went out to LA. She got into the audience for "Price Is Right." She got called down. Come on down, right? She got to compete and get on the stage to play the big game, and she won a trip to where?

KONDABOLU: Woah. That is very specific.

KONDABOLU: And also, the clues don't really - the clue doesn't really help, so it could really be anywhere in the world.

SAGAL: No, the clue helps.

SAGAL: Yeah. What did I say?

SAGAL: I said she came from Boston, Mass. She went out to LA.

KONDABOLU: Oh, no. Was it Boston?

SAGAL: Close enough - New Hampshire.

SAGAL: She won five nights in beautiful New Hampshire, which is about an hour from Boston.

KONDABOLU: Can she trade it for cash?

HIGGINS: Yeah, but it would be, like, $70.

SAGAL: Right. Exactly. Well, the prize was, like, a flight from LA to Manchester, N.H., and then a rental car over to Concord, the destination for her wonderful vacation. So she'd have to fly from Boston to LA to fly back, basically. I'm not going to say this is a lame prize, but this is true. On TripAdvisor's list of the Top 15 things to do in Concord, N.H., No. 2 is the movie theater. And No. 4 is it's close to Boston.

HIGGINS: (Laughter) She can see family.

SAGAL: It's good for her, though. You know, you find out with the prizes before you play, I think, and it was good for her for not throwing the game. Like, I think that bottle of sauce costs $76, Drew.

SAGAL: Now, if she had lost the five-night stay in Concord, she would have, of course, received the consolation prize - a six-night stay in Concord.

KONDABOLU: Take that, New Hampshire.

THE GO-GO'S: (Singing) Vacation, all I ever wanted. Vacation, had to get away. Vacation, meant to be spent alone.

SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-924, or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can also find tickets to our March 3 show at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta, Ga., and our April 7 show at the Harris Theater in Chicago, Ill.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME!

LIPI ROY: Hey Peter, this is Lipi Roy (ph) calling from Manhattan, N.Y.

SAGAL: Hey, Manhattan. We were just talking about Manhattan with one Patti Smith. What do you do there?

ROY: So I'm an internal medicine and addiction medicine doctor, and I'm one of the medical directors at Housing Works, which is a wonderful nonprofit dedicated to fighting HIV, AIDS and homelessness. And I also do a lot of medical on-air commentary, and lately it's been all about COVID for the last two years.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah, I guess so. So you're, like, one of the physicians - the actual physicians they have on the news channels and then they repeat whatever, like, Joe Rogan has been saying, and then you just put your head in your hands and sigh.

ROY: Yeah, exactly. I shake my head. Yeah, and I sigh, curse - yeah, all that.

SAGAL: Yeah. Yeah. Lipi, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

SAGAL: All right, here is your first limerick.

KURTIS: Sales of art can't be left to civilians. We need auctions on fancy pavilions. This guy held a yard sale that was a real hard fail - 30 bucks for some art that's worth...

SAGAL: Gazillions - close enough - millions, whatever.

GOLDTHWAIT: We're rounding up to the nearest gazillion.

KURTIS: Inflation, you know? It's very specific.

SAGAL: Yeah, no, no, no, no, millions goes to gazillions. The inflation is so terrible. The man in Massachusetts bought a $30 drawing at a yard sale, only to discover it was an original sketch by Albrecht Durer, worth $10 million. This is a good reminder about how it's important to always check to see if 16th century northern European Renaissance masters in your neighborhood are getting rid of any crap.

KONDABOLU: This is why I hoard things, 'cause I fear that will happen.

SAGAL: That if you - that the second you let it go, someone will discover it's a priceless artifact.

KONDABOLU: Yes. I go to yard sales as my audition for "Antiques Roadshow." Like, this is going to get me on. I'm going to find something. It's always, like, an old baseball.

SAGAL: I know. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: We macaques hate a wet Northern day. Those cold Brits have a love-starving way. Now a fellow walks on, singing "Let's Get It On." Zookeepers sing like...

SAGAL: In an effort to increase its number of endangered Barbary macaques, a zoo in the U.K. hired a Marvin Gaye impersonator to provide a romantic serenade for them.

SAGAL: The music replicated the animal's preferred habitat - a love seat covered in purple velour. And it worked. Apparently, they started engaging in more grooming behavior, which is sort of, you know, how macaques flirt. I really want to meet the guy whose professional gig is singing Marvin Gaye covers to a pair of sexually frustrated monkeys at a zoo. Like, what...

HIGGINS: You've already met him. He's right here.

HIGGINS: (Singing) What's going on?

SAGAL: He's like, really? Is that what you want to be doing? What, and leave show business? No, seriously, like, the macaque enclosure - I haven't heard of a place I less want to hear "Let's Get It On" since the Build-A-Bear Workshop.

SAGAL: All right, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: I don't know what this scent would disguise 'cause I smell like a fast food franchise. It's the essence of fat from the heart of the vat. It's a perfume that smells just like...

SAGAL: Those freaks at the Idaho Potato Commission made headlines this week with their new french-fry-scented perfume. It's the perfect scent to give you that sultry, got drunk and went to McDonald's before I showed up at your apartment scent. In creating the perfume, they used distilled potatoes and essential oils, once again stretching the boundaries of what can be called essential.

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT AND PETER SAGAL: ...That smells like french fries.

GOLDTHWAIT: My sisters - or I could have used it when we were teenagers. Did you go to work? Ma, smell me.

SAGAL: Did you, Bobcat, have a job, as many teenagers did, at the local McDonald's and/or fast food joint?

GOLDTHWAIT: No. I bagged groceries for a living. I was a bagger.

GOLDTHWAIT: Eggs on top - that's me. I came up with that.

GOLDTHWAIT: Then all these other people - I go, guys...

GOLDTHWAIT: I go, would someone listen to me? Eggs on top.

SAGAL: You saved God knows how many eggs. Bill, how did Lipi do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, doctor, thank you for helping us through the pandemic, and I hope we made you feel a little better because you're an absolute winner. You got three in a row right.

KURTIS: You did. You did. Congratulations.

ROY: Thank you, Bill, Peter and all the celebrities. Please be safe and healthy.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "THAT SMELL")

LYNYRD SKYNYRD: Ooh, that smell. Can't you smell that smell?

SAGAL: Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill In the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

KURTIS: Yes, Maeve has two. Hari has two. Bobcat has four.

GOLDTHWAIT: Don't say, oh my God. All right?

HIGGINS: We're all pretty surprised.

SAGAL: All right. Well, I'm going to arbitrarily choose Hari to go first. So here we go. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, Russia began military exercises near the border of blank.

SAGAL: On Monday, the CEO of Delta called for unruly passengers to be put on a blank.

SAGAL: A no-fly list. This week, two teens in Missouri who fell beneath the ice in a frozen lake were saved by blank.

SAGAL: Two firefighters, who were on the same lake doing ice rescue practice. Announced on Tuesday, "The Power Of The Dog" and "Dune" led this year's blank nominations.

SAGAL: This week, a Florida man who couldn't find his car...

SAGAL: ...After leaving the bar searched for it by blanking.

KONDABOLU: By passing out. And...

SAGAL: No. He searched for his car by stealing another car, which he quickly got stuck on to some nearby train tracks. So he jumped out, and then a train hit the car and knocked it flying into a house. But the man didn't see any of that because he'd already left to steal a forklift to continue his search for his own car. But he saw the police first and asked them for help. And they arrested him.

KONDABOLU: Yeah, I wasn't going to get that.

SAGAL: Yeah, yeah. Man, imagine how embarrassed he's going to be when he remembers he took the bus to the bar that night.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Hari do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He had two right for four more points. He now has six and in the lead.

KONDABOLU: I think I won this.

SAGAL: All right. All right. So that means that, Maeve, you are up next. Please fill in the blank. Despite multiple states loosening their restrictions, the CDC says it's still too early to lift blank mandates.

HIGGINS: Oh, omicron. Oh. Oh.

SAGAL: On Monday, the Supreme Court halted the redrawing of blank's electoral map.

SAGAL: On Thursday, the White House announced a $5 billion funding plan to provide states with blanks for electric cars.

HIGGINS: They got a new cat. The Bidens got a new cat. Is that what this is?

SAGAL: No. This is about the charging stations for the electric cars. A restaurant in Pennsylvania is apologizing after accidentally running a magazine ad showing a cappuccino with a blank.

HIGGINS: My goodness. A mask, a mask.

SAGAL: No, a cappuccino with a naked man drawn in the foam. On Tuesday, the U.S. confirmed a new strain of blank at a turkey farm in Indiana.

SAGAL: Bird flu. This week, a casino...

SAGAL: ...Used security camera footage and advanced forensics to catch a man who blanked.

SAGAL: No. They caught a man who won a lot of money but left without it.

SAGAL: He was playing slots. And the slot machine was malfunctioning, so it did not tell the man that he had just won $200,000 in a big jackpot. And he left. Fortunately...

SAGAL: ...We all know casinos will go to any lengths to make sure people get their money, so they hunted the man down to give him his winnings, $200,000 in vouchers to the buffet.

SAGAL: No, actually real money. They actually did this.

SAGAL: This casino being good.

HIGGINS: Peter, I made a great effort there, so I really hope that's reflected in my...

SAGAL: I know, I know. And I think that should be certainly taken into account when I ask Bill, how did Maeve do?

KURTIS: Well, she set a new record as far as my tenure here. She had none right.

KURTIS: Which means Hari still has the lead with six.

HIGGINS: Hold on a second.

KONDABOLU: (Laughter) I shouldn't be in the lead.

HIGGINS: Bill, are you sure?

KURTIS: You said COVID so many times, surely, it was right once.

HIGGINS: OK. Good luck, Bobcat.

SAGAL: Bill, how many does Bobcat need to win?

KURTIS: We'll hold all the bets because Bobcat is in a very good position. He needs one to tie and two to win.

SAGAL: OK, Bobcat, this is for the game. On Tuesday, a truck convoy protesting COVID restrictions in blank reached the U.S. border.

SAGAL: This week, Prince Charles announced that he had tested positive for blank for the second time.

SAGAL: In a new video, lunatic Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene denounced Nancy Pelosi's...

SAGAL: On Monday, Conservative video site Rumble offered a blank $100 million to leave Spotify.

SAGAL: A British man says he was stunned...

SAGAL: ...When the blank he lost on vacation 11 years ago turned up in the mail.

SAGAL: No, his false teeth. Paul Bishop was in Spain in 2011 when he had one or eight too many drinks and deposited everything into a trash bin along with his teeth, which he didn't notice were gone because of the many drinks I mentioned. This week, the teeth showed up in the mail. Someone found them in a Spanish landfill.

SAGAL: The government did a DNA analysis and then tracked him down to return them. In other happy news, the nation of Spain has no actual problems to solve right now.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, yeah. We got a lot of unsolved murders, but we got to get this guy his top teeth back.

SAGAL: Bill, did, in fact, Bobcat do well enough to win?

KURTIS: All eyes on the Bobcat. He had four right for eight more points, which means with 12 points, he is this week's champion.

GOLDTHWAIT: I decline the honor, and I give it to Maeve for her commitment on that...

GOLDTHWAIT: ...The president getting a cat story. Thank you.

HIGGINS: Thank you so much, Bobcat, and that means a lot to me. Again, such great intellects like yourself and Hari, but still, I would win.

SAGAL: Now, panel, what will be the big surprise out of this weekend's Super Bowl?

GOLDTHWAIT: I predict the NFL will be initially lauded for modernization by doing a bitcoin flip, but the game will be delayed 20 minutes when the referee cannot remember his password.

HIGGINS: I predict the writer, comedian Maeve Higgins rushing the pitch and with just one dunk, achieving a touchdown.

KONDABOLU: Despite retiring and not playing in the game, Tom Brady will still somehow win Super Bowl MVP.

KURTIS: And if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Bobcat Goldthwait, Maeve Higgins and Hari Kondabolu. Thanks to all of you for listening. I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.

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